A friend of mine asked me the other day, “Have you asked yourself why you?” I pondered the thought and concluded, “Why not me?” The world has been thrown into disarray and chaos for the past few years – many lives lost, much sorrow, injustices, and the like. We can all pretend and continue to hold on to our perfect little ideal worlds or face reality and admit that we live in strange, dark times. It seems highly unlikely that what we once thought exemplary lives apply anymore. These unprecedented times taught us that no one is exempted from the harsh cruelties of life. We can either continue to build our sandcastles or adapt to a new reality where love in action is the only option to remain human, survive and thrive. The fact remains that terrible things happen to everyone, regardless of whether they are deserved or undeserved. There’s sickness, diseases, disasters, etc., everywhere in the world. I decided that if this is a journey for me to walk, I will walk it and carry a torch for my King Jesus because I know that this sickness is not from him. I am not angry; I don’t feel rejected or condemned or the like. I will use this experience to light the path, even if it is just one person whose life I can positively influence.
Besides… it’s a catwalk thing
My colleagues decided that if I do this journey… I might as well do it on the Catwalk! You won’t believe the offers I’ve received on wigs already! My friend Grace already sent me one. I will still decide on wearing it, though. Many others, including family members, offered to go bold with me. In the meantime, I’ve first reduced my locks to a shorter fit, and then I shaved it all off. In this place, everything is about hygiene because the patients are all immune-compromised. So, a bold head is just the thing. It’s easier and convenient.
It’s worth it
Do you know that there is power in names? Every time you say someone’s name, you speak a reality, a truth, something about them over them. My name is derived from a line of Norah’s… Irish Celtic history and all that, I guess. It simply means light and honour. My dad decided he liked the modern Noreen version more, yet the same meaning. Our names carry power. We often live up to them without knowing it either. I can honestly say that I always seek out light and try to find honour in a situation.
This is why I like this scripture so much: Philippians 2:9-11 NIV
Therefore, God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
Everything else has a name too… Like AML leukaemia. Fortunately, it too must take a bow before the king. So, I tell my uninvited visitor that he would have to go. He cannot claim a home that already has an owner. And this one has.
Of course, there is the heartbeat too…
My son sent me a selfie at midnight to say he loves me. I needed to hear it at that moment. Therefore, I believe in the end; this journey will all be worth it.
You shall eat yourself well…
On top of the many things that take place in a cancer ward… They certainly make sure of one thing… They feed you! And if you usually think that’s ok, trust me, the chemo dictates differently. At this point, it feels more like force-feeding.
On the first day, a dietician came to see me and lovely as she was, she crushed my spirit with all the no this, no that, no this, etc. I must be on a neutropenic diet, basically a no bacteria diet, to avoid infections at all costs. So, when my Namibian heart heard, “No biltong, droewors, cheese, sushi, etc.” I wanted to cry.
Nevertheless, I must maintain a specific weight so that the chemo impact that will follow doesn’t reduce my frame too much. The thing is, you get hungry, but you have no taste for food. The struggle is real.
I am currently on 66 kg, and for my age, height, and frame, I must not go below 60 kg in the next few weeks. Who thought keeping weight up would be an issue? I’ve been through chemo already and eating became a chore. The food is tasteless. So, days you have a spark of a taste, the next there’s nothing. Below is force-feeding food and the scale… my nemesis. I must weigh myself every morning. If I dropped 0.5 kg, it’s an issue.
The question so many asks me…
“Did you shave your hair?” For the record, my hubby did, and it’s freeing, liberating, and above all hygienic in a very sterile place. I might rock this GI Jane look for a while too.
What I do want to point out, though, is that very few ask the relevant questions like, “How are you doing keeping food in or force-feeding yourself” or the daily struggle with needles, support medicines, antibiotics, etc. Patients who fight various cancers have more serious concerns than hair. Trust me. Most of us don’t care about it at all. A few days ago, my veins fell flat, and they couldn’t get a simple drip in. During chemo, a cortisone drug they used spiked my sugar levels, and I had to experience the sad reality of finger pricking that people with diabetes do daily.
I share pictures of my bold look, my arm full of holes, my tummy blue due to anti-clotting meds and my force-feeding juice. This is the actual fight – not a hairless head as a symbol or status. I want everyone to know and respect the truth.
Touch Base 