5 AM Revelations…

My son asked me right after my diagnosis, “Mom, you always said that lack of forgiveness, bitterness, anger and the like causes cancer. Have you inspected your heart?” Well, that’s our son. He never beats around the bush. So, I responded that he was right and would certainly make time to inspect my heart.

Not too long ago, I woke up just past 4 AM and gave blood to the “vampires.” Soon afterwards, I had some quiet time with the Lord. I asked him what caused this disease in my body? It didn’t take long before Proverbs 17:22 popped up in my mind. I looked it up, and what can I say? Proverbs 17:22 tells us, “A merry heart does good like a medicine: but a broken spirit makes the bones sick.” So there it was written, the undeniable truth. After a few more words of discussion, it became clear to me that my wound was brought on by sorrow.

I can’t deny that our small family was overwhelmed by loss and sorrow during the past few years. Yet, we didn’t do anything wrong. All we ever did was pay the sacrifice of love for those we loved. Yet, things just got more difficult every year.

I lost my mom – an indescribable wound, a darling father-in-law under our care, and still, my mother-in-law is in the grips of an ugly disease. I won’t even go to the loss of my pets. They were my joys, but many of them died too. As far as I know, life is not fair, and the road of true love is filled with sacrifices and sorrow. However, love is never selfish, nor does it put its own interest first. Therefore, given a choice, I would probably do it again because we were taught that nothing is more important than love.

Today though, I’ve learned it’s ok to let go. To not be strong always. To completely surrender my sorrow to my King and allow him to heal my heart. It would be best if you did it too. Carrying grief or sorrow make us sick in the end, then you are forced to let it go anyway. So don’t be unnecessary strong at times. Be vulnerable too.

“Your wound is probably not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.” Shraddha

Pyjama Drama…

I’ve promised before that I would write more about my pyjama drama. After being admitted to the hospital in Windhoek and being told that I would have to be flown to Cape Town, I realized that I didn’t have enough pyjamas for the trip. So, I asked my husband to buy me some extra pyjamas. Logical wonder hero that he is, he got me beautiful blue butterfly sleepwear… 3 pairs of the same pyjamas! Well, he did exactly what I asked and surprised me with my companion, ‘Gilfy’, which means miracle in Norse. Gilfy has been close to me through this whole ordeal and keeps me warm at night.

After putting up my peripherally inserted central catheter (PICC) line, it became clear that my sleepwear was impractical. A PICC line is a thin, flexible tube inserted into a vein in the upper arm and guided (threaded) into a large vein above the right side of the heart called the superior vena cava to give intravenous fluids, blood transfusions, chemotherapy, and other drugs. This is why I am so grateful that my friend Carmelita jumped in came up with a design that was practical enough for me to slip in and out of the sleepwear without having to bypass the PICC line and “drunk cyber buddy.” After all, it was precarious already.

Window visitors…

Since I’ve been immune-compromised by all the chemotherapy, I cannot receive visitors. My doctors have graciously allowed my husband and son to visit me daily over the festive season. However, they had to take turns per day. Only on Christmas day, they were allowed to come in together to share gifts and some time with me. Some of my colleagues and friends did not let this restriction stop them from visiting me though. They visited me via my bedroom window, which looks out onto the parking lot. Thank you to each one of you for lightening up my dark days. You were simply amazing.